What I have always wanted to tell you is how incredibly proud I am of you. You got your GED and then started at the very bottom and worked all the way up to owning your own business! Not many people have the dedication and grit to do that, but you did and your business was built on integrity and working hard.
What you never understood was I never blamed you for any of the abuse. Yes, it hurt me incredibly when you didn't believe me at first, but I never once blamed you for leaving us with them (grandparents). I know if you thought for a second that he (my grandfather) would hurt me, you never would have let me stay there.
I miss not being able to call you with 'hypothetical' situations and total random stories. I loved calling you and saying, "I have a question but you can't laugh..." and you would be chuckling before I even asked the actual question.
I need you ask your forgiveness for being annoyed with you on the day you died because you couldn't/wouldn't tell me what was happening. I know you were probably scared and confused and didn't know yourself. Sometimes I think that if you had told me exactly what was wrong, I could have gotten you help sooner and you'd still be here but I know that's not true.
I feel sad that you won't be here for all the every day moments - the 4th of July parade, the hot air balloon launch, waffles and ice cream on Tuesdays, trips to Casepr, our Arizona trips, going to Walmart, working on my car...all the simple moments I took for granted. I thought you would always be here.
My most special memory of you is our Christmas Eve dinners and last minute shopping trips. We were ready to get out of the house and try a new restaurant. I always looked forward to those few hours so much.
What I miss the most is that no matter what we did, I always felt safe when you were around. Everything would be okay as long as you were there.
You made me proud when you started your own business and always gave every single job your very best work. You never cheated anyone out of anything and you always did your best work. That's so rare today. You make me want to always give my best.
I love you because you're my dad. You taught me so much and I will live the rest of my life trying to make you proud.
If you were here now, I would tell you to get your business stuff organized so it would be easier for us to go through! :) I know you worried a lot about finances but, it makes me proud to tell you, you did okay.
I think if you were here now, you would tell me to keep living my life and that it's okay to be sad but not to let it keep me down for too long
I am grateful for the relationship you had with all my littles. From Ryan Joe to Michael, you loved them all so much. I loved watching how excited Nora was when you would come down and how Eowyn thought you could fix anything. Lizzie told me once that the fact that you didn't charge them anything for work meant that they were family. You have already missed so many milestones and you will never meet Leah. I think those things sting a little more than others. Because I didn't have my own kids, the littles I watched became my kids, and you loved them as if they were your grandkids.
I am going to carry you forward by giving my best to everything I do and to being generous to others. You were always helping other people who couldn't help you back and I want to always see those people and help them
I feel good knowing that when you died, I had no regrets and have felt no anguish over things I can't go back and fix. There was nothing left unsaid and no grudges that needed resolved. Grieving without regret is such a wonderful thing!
Thank you for loving me, even when I was unlovable and for providing for us even when making ends meet was a struggle. Most of all, Boomer, when I was a little girl, you stayed. I will forever be thankful for that.
I will love and miss you forever.
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