(One thing that sticks out about this whole situation is how calm I was. I didn't cry, I didn't panic...nothing)
When I arrived at the hospital, I went into the waiting room. Things are a little harder to remember from this point forward. I'm sure I filled out some paperwork and answered some questions at the desk, but what I do remember is sitting there, waiting with Tyler and talking about moles! I know, I know. Totally random! But I was teasing Tyler about the stitches on his head and he told me he had gotten a mole removed. This turned into a whole discussion on how to know when to have a mole checked out. I'm sure we made other small talk but it's the moles I remember! At one point, we heard 'Code Blue' from the overhead speaker and we looked each other, and I said something about there probably being another person in the ER besides just my dad.
I made a couple other phone calls while waiting but at some point, the doctor came out. He told me he was sorry, that there was nothing else he could do and that my dad had died. Tyler looked at me and said, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" but I still didn't feel anything. I asked, "What's next?" and the doctor asked about organ and tissue donation. I knew my dad would have been all for that and told him to use whatever they could. I remember calling my brothers and telling them our dad had died and calling one of my dad's friends, telling him the news, and asking him to let their other friends know. I asked Tyler to send out a prayer request on our church's prayer chain. I remember being in the emergency part of the ER, not in the waiting room anymore. The doctor asked if I wanted to see my dad's body and after thinking for a second, I looked at Tyler and asked if it made me a bad person if I didn't want to. I explained that we had just had a wonderful lunch together just a little while ago and that's how I wanted to remember him. Tyler and the doctor assured me that was fine. I remembered a grief advocate asking if I wanted to go to their memorial room or something like that and I told her I just wanted to go home. The entire experience, from the time I called the ambulance until my dad died was less than 45 minutes. It happened that fast.
Once I got home, Tyler and I cleaned up from the EMT's and my friend Rachel showed up with flowers. She is the mama of my llamas, the oldest (who was 9 at the time) I had watched since she was an infant, and her sisters and brother after her. All I could think was I needed to tell them about my dad because he was a big part of their lives. So Rachel drove me to her house and I made some more phone calls on the way. Even in telling multiple people that my dad had died, there was no emotion, I was just matter-of-fact. When we got to my llamas house, I sat with them on the couch and told them Tim had died. I asked them if they knew what that meant and explained that his heart was sick and the doctors couldn't fix it and that they would never see him again.
The friend I had visited with at the park when I dropped off my dessert before going to meet my dad for lunch came to Rachel's after reading the text that had gone out. We hung out for a little bit as I took a phone call from the hospital telling me I could come pick up my dad's items and from the funeral home, where we set up an appointment for the next day. My friend drove me home, where another friend was waiting. She hugged me and cried and I just remember feeling awkward that it was my dad who died and I felt nothing while she was sobbing on my shoulder.
Another friend showed up shortly after that and at some point, Tyler brought me leftovers after asking me earlier if I wanted to go to their house for dinner and I declined - I just wanted to be alone. I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening making phone calls, answering the many texts that came in, and cleaning because I knew people would probably be stopping by in the coming days. I had to do an interview over the phone about my dad's health history for the organization in charge of the organ/tissue donation. I answered so many questions, some of which made me laugh - "Has your dad been exposed to mad cow disease in the past 6 weeks?"
I thought about taking some melatonin before I went to bed so I could sleep but I was pretty wiped out after the day and decided against it. That was a mistake as I was wide awake at one, after sleeping only a couple hours. I went in the livingroom and turned on the tv, hoping it would distract me. My phone rang and I recognize the number as being from the organ/tissue donation people. The funeral home had told me these people would be in touch throughout the whole process - once they got my dad to Colorado, once they removed all usable tissues (they were not able to use any of his organs as he was a heavy smoker) - once the body was back in Riverton, etc., so I let the call go to voicemail. I listened to the message and it was a lady telling me she had an urgent matter she needed to talk to me about and asked me to call her as soon as soon as I was able. I called and it turns out some one of my dad's heart valves was in great shape and she needed permission to harvest it. Weird, I know. He died of a heart attack but his heart valve was able to be donated!
Morning came and some friends came over. I had asked Tyler if he would go with me to the funeral home as an extra ear and he agreed. I forgot he used to work for a family funeral home growing up so he was a wealth of great information. He was also good at breaking up the tension by saying something random or funny. I will forever thank God Hazel sent him flying my road the previous afternoon. He was a huge help and a steady, calm presence through everything. My dad would have wanted to be cremated so the process was fairly simple and fast.
In the car on the way home, Tyler answered some questions about a couple of things that hadn't made sense to me at the funeral home. He told me he had already talked to my pastor, Ian, the day before and the church had offered to cover the funeral home costs. Yet another 'God thing!' I once read something that said "Long before Zaccheus couldn't see Jesus, God planted a tree to meet his need." (Zaccheus being a tax collector in the New Testament that wanted to see Jesus but couldn't see over the crowd because he wasn't tall enough and he climbed a tree to be able to see him) In that moment, talking to Tyler, I was reminded of those words - before it even occurred to me that I would have need of the funeral home, God had already provided a way to meet the need. I will forever be in awe of how God was present and at work in those days.
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